Zebras

Zebras need kisses because they probably have to live in constant fear of being sprayed by skunks, who think that zebras are just enormous, mutant skunks themselves.

This seems ridiculous, but imagine you were walking down the street when suddenly you saw something that looked like a man, except it was 200 feet tall. Would you quickly prepare to defend yourself, or would you begin an analysis of the minute determinants of his species?

“Why look,” you say, as this leviathan stomps around your city blocks, demolishing everything in his path, “his ears are slightly different than ours, and his head somewhat more oblong. Nothing to be concerned about here!”

This would not happen – to people, or to skunks.

And, of course, when it comes to enemies who cannot destroy you, all you can fear at their hands is humiliation: In this case, the rejection of your wife, Shebra, who wants nothing to do with you because the skunk spray has made you smell terrible, even for a species that passes its days outwardly fanning the fumes of its posterior with its tail.

So, to kiss a zebra, you’ll need to smell the best you’ve ever smelled in your life, so that there can be no doubt that you are not a skunk.

To do this, you’ll need to take not only a bath, but a luxury bath, like ladies do in commercials. This means you have to lift one of your legs at a time, and wipe it down with a sponge big enough to wash a car, and the soap concentration in it has to be high enough that you look like you’re drawing on yourself with chalk. And there must be candles? Finally, you’ll want to rinse off with a shower head that has at least 500 spray holes, but at point blank range to your body so that its calming, low-intensity effect is totally undone, and you might as well have somebody spitting on you through a garden hose.

After this, your body will surely reek to the point that nobody – zebra, human, or otherwise – would ever mistake you for a skunk, or any other animal. If you’re still uncertain, and want to go overboard, you can go wearing nothing but a layer of bubble bath and perfume, but don’t be surprised if the zebra ends up just as afraid of a cloud that smells like CK One as it would be of a skunk.

---

Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)

• Help, my dog’s been Skunked!
• Communication
• 50 Cent Spends $1.6 Million Annually on Security